When You Don’t Feel Like It: Honoring resistance and finding your way back to practicing
Maybe you've heard the phrase, "what got you here won't get you there."
The gist (forgive me if this is obvious) is that as we evolve and life's circumstances inevitably change, our needs change, too. I like to say that different moments call for different medicines.
I started practicing kundalini yoga a decade ago. There's no understating its impact on my mental health and overall wellbeing. Especially after realizing I'm neurodivergent, and noticing how much of the practice replicates organized stimming. Like DBT before it and Ayurveda and somatics after it, kundalini gave me critical keys 🔑 to understanding and influencing my emotions, my energy, and my mind.
If you're in the yoga world, you might have some opinions about kundalini. I know I do - the man who brought the practice to the West was (like so many [male] spiritual teachers [though predation is not limited to men]) a predator. As an advocate for survivors of sexual harm, I've spent the last decade peeling the onion of this one. To paraphrase a quote I learned from the beautiful yoga teacher David Kam (can't find the origins of the quote itself),
The teachings have never failed me, but the teachers sure have.
This is true in the case of abusive teachers, and true as I watch the brilliant teacher who I did my teacher training with remain silent on the US-funded genocide in Gaza. I know we all have our paths to walk. I know that, like Lama Rod Owens says, I am
"not Mother Harriet urging others on to freedom with the butt of [my] rifle."
That doesn't mean I don't feel simmering rage - and even disgust - at her silence. What is yoga for, if not for bringing our practices off the mat and into the world? I'm still grateful for what she's shared with me, and don't dwell on this anger, and I certainly don't stoke disgust. But they're there nonetheless - and they motivate me.
Speaking of anger - that's why I'm writing to you today. Anger is a natural reaction to taking in the world as I see it. And if I don't practice, it will come out of the side of my neck or the front of my face. Much as I know it's inevitable, I do not want to cause further suffering in this world.
Back to kundalini yoga. It is an INCREDIBLE practice for channeling rage, heartbreak, and overwhelming emotions. After four years of occasional practice, I'm back at it and committed to a 40-day sadhana (a sanskrit term for spiritual practice) of the same kriya. This one's a bit beastly...which matches the times - and keeps pulling me into myself. Into presence.
I'm doing it even on days that I don't feel like it (Like today. And yesterday. And the day before when I wrote this draft). Because it's critical medicine, and returning to it daily gets me out of victim mode and reminds me of just how much agency and personal power I have access to. Its toughness reminds me of my own grit.
With all this in mind, I made something for you. It’s a PDF for a 10-day practice guide with
A video recording of the Kriya to Awaken Joy that I’ve been doing for the last 23 days
A more accessible practice option if you have injuries, are just dipping your toes into kundalini, or want something shorter
A practice log with space to journal, and
Journal prompts to use throughout the 10 days, and some concluding prompts as well.
Ibrahim & Baby Khaled
🕯️ 🇵🇸 While this offering is free, I encourage you to make a $10+ donation to Ibrahim and Nagham to help them raise their baby Khaled in Gaza (this is a well-vetted fundraiser - they are the family of my friend's friend). 🇵🇸 🕯️
Or - if money is a barrier and you’re in the US, please consider making some phone calls to your representatives demanding an end to the genocide in Gaza.
I'll leave you with this habit/ritual-building 💎 gem:
If you're starting a new ritual, start small. Make the bar so low that it's easier to do the thing than to make an excuse for not having done it. And when it comes to timeframes, start with a small window - say 5 days - and take note of how doing the thing impacts your energy.
Thanks for reading. Take heart!
